Worst of Tube
Marcel the monkey went back to his film career, and it has been downhill ever since for these coffee-swilling cuties. The next time the cast makes noises about contract negotiations, please tear up their leases into little pieces.
This MTV game show, with its sexually charged, sloppily hip contestants, makes The Dating Game look as courtly as a medieval romance.
The star of her own CBS sitcom for four seasons, Fran Drescher by now can play variations on her nasal Queens, N.Y., whine with the mastery of Vladimir Horowitz at the keyboard. The only differences are that he is dead and she is always out of tune.
What producer Steven Bochco envisioned as a Barney Miller with gritty vice cops was shut down faster than a bordello in a strip mall. It lasted one episode on CBS.
Fox's glum mystery series pits a near-psychic special agent (young Lincoln lookalike Lance Henriksen) against serial killers. The show has apocalypse on its mind and, to judge by the title, a lot of time to kill.
The introduction of Lily Tomlin as the new executive producer of FYI promised to spark some pleasurable friction with Candice Bergen and rejuvenate the CBS sitcom. But, no: Tomlin should have played the part as Ernestine or Edith Ann.
The Dana Carvey Show
The former Saturday Night Live star is a great mimic, yes, but, like erstwhile talk show host Chevy Chase, lacks presence. His half-hour ABC sketch series quickly came undone like a cheap, flashy suit.
Talk show host Montel Williams, making his dramatic series debut—which was quickly killed by CBS—played a high school teacher with good intentions, military bearing and no discernible sense of humor. Dismissed!
The Thorn Birds: The Missing Years
The only star to return for CBS's pathetic follow-up to the classic 1983 miniseries was Richard Chamberlain, once again playing naughty priest Ralph de Bricassart. The late Barbara Stanwyck, the sheep-ranch matriarch of the original, was represented this time by a lousy oil portrait. What was once an epic as big as Australia could now fit comfortably in a kangaroo's pouch.
Bay watch Nights
The most popular syndicated series in the world was bound to have an even sillier spinoff. This one, like Baywatch, features David Hasselhoff and the California beach, but the emphasis has shifted to detective work and even the paranormal. Frankie Avalon, meet David Duchovny.