Okay, we admit it: the musings that follow never happened. For all we know, 24-year-old Überstarlet Gwyneth Paltrow
has never even read the bestseller The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. But she could have written it.
Rule 1—Be a Creature Unlike Any Other. Piece of cake. Who else on the planet has my eyes, my hair, my figure, my talent? And, let's face it, my boyfriend?
Rule 2—Don't Talk to a Man First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance). Check. When I met Brad Pitt
in 1994 on the set of Seven, he was immediately smitten. I barely noticed that he was alive. Remember—I'm an actress.
Rule 8—Fill Up Your Time Before the Date. Like I needed to be told. Why, this year alone I starred in two films, and next year I break type in Hard Eight and play a Reno prostitute. I also see friends, cook stuffed turkey, shop Calvin Klein and brake for small animals in the road.
Rule 13—Don't See Him More Than Once or Twice a Week. Okay, I blew that one. How did I know that telling US. back in August that "the longest we've ever been apart was 28 days, and it was hell" was a major faux pas? Aargghh.
Rule 20—Be Honest but Mysterious. As I told The Guardian, "I'm very happy in my relationship, but now I don't want to comment on it."
Rule 33—Do The Rules and You'll Live Happily Ever After! Hmm. Brad did give me that diamond-studded bauble I've been sporting on my left hand. Remember when I told US it was "just a very sweet present" that "doesn't signify anything"? I swear, those reporters will buy anything!