My girlfriend [actress Sarah Silverman] and I arrive at my cousin Micki and her husband Eric's apartment in North Hollywood. Last time she had a party, there was a shooting outside. Though I'm not wearing a tux, I am wearing a bulletproof cummerbund just to be safe.
After about nine seconds of hellos, we turn the television on. Sarah especially enjoys the Oscar preshows. Star Jones [Reynolds] kicks the evening off by informing Hilary Swank, "You are on my list of perpetual Glamazons." I imagine that for Hilary, it's all gravy from here.
is asked "when choosing a dress, how important is breathing?" Scarlett says, wisely, that it is very important.
Morgan Freeman wins Best Supporting Actor; Cousin Sal wins $167. Mr. Freeman makes a nice short speech. So short, in fact, that the band that usually plays nominees off when they go too long has to rush back from the bathroom.
I eat the first of what I know will be many shoebox-size Rice Krispies Treats.
My cousin Sal is betting on the Awards. He has The Aviator
for Best Picture at 2-3, Hilary Swank for Best Actress at 1-6 and Morgan Freeman at 1-3. He definitely has a problem.
Showtime. I like the opening montage. It makes the show seem very important.
My uncle Frank was not that impressed with Kid Rock's monologue. My uncle Frank frequently gets confused.
Beyoncé sings in French with a boys choir. By the end of the song, they're a men's choir.
Someone named Horst Burbulla wins an Oscar for inventing a crane. Horst Burbulla may be the best name I've ever heard.
Just before The Aviator
wins for Best Costume Design, my son Kevin steps on the remote control, accidentally switching the channel to a new reality show called Gastineau Girls
. Though I beg the group to leave it on, they immediately switch back.
The only person they could find to talk about Johnny Carson is Whoopi Goldberg? Did Johnny even know Whoopi Goldberg? They couldn't at least mix a little Steve Martin in there? Poor Ed McMahon must be furious.
As Jeremy Irons presents the award for Best Live Action Short, we hear what sounds like a gunshot off-camera. P.Diddy will not be invited back next year.
I'm sure he's great, but seriously, why must Yo-Yo Ma perform at every Academy Awards show? Isn't this sort of thing the reason why we have PBS?
For some reason, Sean Penn feels the need to defend Jude Law
from an innocuous joke Chris Rock made two hours ago. What the hell happened to Spicoli?
Hilary Swank wins Best Actress. Cousin Sal wins $83. He seems happier than she does.
Jamie Foxx wins Best Actor. Everyone was certain he'd win, and yet as they read the nominees, we all suddenly got nervous that he wouldn't. Thank goodness he did.
Clint Eastwood wins for Best Director. His mother is in the audience, which astonishes everyone. Who knew Dirty Harry had a mommy?
Million Dollar Baby
wins for Best Picture. Cousin Sal loses $500. He finishes the night down $250.
Though my stomach feels as if it will burst, I eat one more gigantic Rice Krispies Treat. I pack up and head home with every button open.