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UPDATED 05/16/2005 at 01:00 AM EDT Originally published 05/16/2005 at 01:00 AM EDT

THE GREEDY BASTARD DIARY Eric Idle

In 2003 Monty Python alum Eric Idle made a "comic tour" of the U.S.; in his new book he riffs on what he saw. Here, his free-association take on American culture.

FREE SPEECH Where people who have paid most yell loudest

AWARDS SHOWS Events in which highly paid celebrities will work for gift baskets

16-OZ. COFFEES What Americans drink in the morning to prepare for road rage

THE SUPER BOWL A sporting event between competing commercials

FAST FOOD Slow death

AMERICA IS ODD BECAUSE: •Paula Abdul is a judge •[Impotency drug] ads suggest that sex can improve your golf •People compete to be fired by Donald Trump

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