Picks and Pans Review: Don't Be a Victim Fashion Faux Pas to Sidestep

updated 03/10/2008 AT 01:00 AM EDT

originally published 03/10/2008 AT 01:00 AM EDT

Hadley Freeman, U.K. fashion expert and author of style encyclopedia The Meaning of Sunglasses, shares runway trends to run from.

ESCHEW HANDKERCHIEF HEMS "The jagged, up-and-down cut doesn't suggest fabulous boho but annoying flirt: Now you see my upper thighs—ooh, now you don't!"

VESTED DISINTEREST "Vests on women—we call them waistcoats—make you look like a puppet from Mister Rogers's land of make-believe. A puppet in a bulletproof vest, that is."

PETE DOHERTY, LISTEN UP "For guys who wear porkpie hats: You are not hanging out with Frank Sinatra in 1957. Get over it."

SPOTS LOOK BEST ON CHEETAHS "Animal prints don't imply unleashed sexuality; they cause flashbacks to Aunt Doris's Chaka Khan impersonation at cousin Steve's birthday."

LEAVE THE FISHTAILS TO ARIEL "Nothing elegant was ever described with the adjective 'fish'"

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