Picks and Pans Review: Don't Be a Victim Fashion Faux Pas to Sidestep
updated 03/10/2008 AT 01:00 AM EDT
•originally published 03/10/2008 AT 01:00 AM EDT
ESCHEW HANDKERCHIEF HEMS "The jagged, up-and-down cut doesn't suggest fabulous boho but annoying flirt: Now you see my upper thighs—ooh, now you don't!"
VESTED DISINTEREST "Vests on women—we call them waistcoats—make you look like a puppet from Mister Rogers's land of make-believe. A puppet in a bulletproof vest, that is."
PETE DOHERTY, LISTEN UP "For guys who wear porkpie hats: You are not hanging out with Frank Sinatra in 1957. Get over it."
SPOTS LOOK BEST ON CHEETAHS "Animal prints don't imply unleashed sexuality; they cause flashbacks to Aunt Doris's Chaka Khan impersonation at cousin Steve's birthday."
LEAVE THE FISHTAILS TO ARIEL "Nothing elegant was ever described with the adjective 'fish'"