If Guru Pitka (Myers) is indeed the world's second-best spiritual guru (Deepak Chopra remains top dog), the self-help world is in serious trouble. Despite his dubious skills (why would someone so supposedly enlightened relentlessly pepper a little person with slurs?), Pitka is hired by a hockey team owner (a comedically impaired Alba) to help her distracted star player win back his estranged wife. Quoth the guru: "There's no such thing as failure." That is, except for The Love Guru, which does fail on almost every level. Myers' fixed grin can't camouflage the comedy carnage, nor can lines like Alba's "I haven't laughed like this in such a long time." That makes one of us.