09/29/2008 at 01:00 AM EDT
Let Us Count the Ways ...
1. Scary eyelashes alert!
Playing up the eyes is one thing, but not when one's lashes resemble caterpillars in a police lineup.
2. Tulle Much
Did the Dress Fairy drink too many Pomtinis and throw up this feathered, sequined, frothy fabric-ed monstrosity?
3. Braids and fedora
Style inspiration: Pocahontas or Indiana Jones? Clearly it should be neither.
4. Female Pattern Blindness
Five. That's how many prints she's wearing. And that's not even counting the ...
5. Aqua and orange boots
We. Are. Speechless.
6. Monogrammed jacket
In case someone else loses a white-and-pink satin cropped jacket, Mariah will know this one is hers.
7. Short shorts
Good thing she's not a catcher.
8. White platforms
Because wearing stilettos on a baseball field would be wrong.
9. Black beaded choker
Was this supposed to match the black beady eyes on Mrs. Colin Firth's dress?
10. Happy face dress
Sure, it's making a statement. An awful, unintentionally hilarious one.
11. Bag and shoes
Understated accessories let the dress shine ... and shine ...
Like Suri's but not as cute.
13. Striped heart dress
Now we know where Whitman's Sampler Valentine's Day boxes go to die. Mint green nails add that certain je ne sais quoi.
14. Bedazzled Converses
In case you don't notice her when she walks by.
15. Scruff Enough
Scraggly hair and a patchy beard ... sexy!
16. Black tie
Colonel Sanders, where art thou? Because you're the only one who can work this look.
17. White shirt, vest and jacket
Emile recommends the poached salmon this evening.