10/14/2008 at 09:00 AM EDT
Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
Maureen McCormick got famous playing the Brady Bunch
's Little Miss Perfect. But in real life, the actress was sinking into depression and drug abuse.
Now, in her new book, Surviving Marcia Brady and Finding My True Voice
, she's opening up about her two abortions, her battle with cocaine addiction
and her long history of clinical depression.
"[I was] hiding the reality of my life behind the unreal perfection of Marcia Brady ...," the actress, 52, writes. "No one suspected the fear that gnawed at me."
In the memoir, out Tuesday, the former Celebrity Fit Club
champ also comes clean about her romance with her TV sibling Barry Williams, who played Greg Brady. They shared a kiss, but McCormick says, the "timing was never right for us."
She also chronicles her dates with Michael Jackson and Steve Martin – not to mention wild parties at the Playboy Mansion.
But her hard partying came to an end, in 1985, when she married actor Michael Cummings. The two have a 19-year-old daughter, Natalie.
"I'll always be struck by how much a part of people's lives Marcia is and always will be," McCormick writes. "But now I'm not bothered by the connection. It took most of my life, countless mistakes and decades of pain and suffering to reach this point of equanimity and acceptance."
For more on McCormick, including how she told her daughter about her painful past, pick up the new issue of PEOPLE, on newsstands FridayRELATED GALLERY:
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