Picks and Pans Review: Ready for the Scrap Heap

updated 07/06/2009 at 01:00 AM EDT

originally published 07/06/2009 01:00AM

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN
Shia LeBeouf, Megan Fox | PG-13 |

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ACTION
Clank, clank, clank. When did would-be blockbusters become more about machines than people? The latest exhibit: This extremely noisy and often incomprehensible sequel to 2007's Transformers. Directed once again by Michael Bay with maximum emphasis on firepower and explosions, the new film features an all-action plot that is excessively complicated and endlessly dopey. Boiled down, it's about walking, talking giant heaps of metal battling rival giant heaps of metal. The Autobots are good and the Decepticons, who've come from space to conquer Earth, are evil. Both look like the result of someone going nuts with Krazy Glue in a cookware cabinet.

Having to save the day again is Sam Witwicky (LaBeouf, who's mostly required to run, duck and cover). He no sooner enrolls in college than he and sexy girlfriend Mikaela (Fox), along with the Autobots and Special Forces troops, head to Egypt for a final blowout with the Decepticons amid the Pyramids. If that doesn't wake Tut, nothing will.

The film runs a long 2 hours, 30 minutes. An hour in, I was praying for rust.

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