Kendra Wilkinson Reveals Drug Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts

03/17/2010 AT 02:55 PM EDT

Before her rise to fame as a Playboy model and reality star, before her marriage to Hank Baskett and the birth of their 3-month-old son, Hank Randall IV, Kendra Wilkinson had some very dark days.

The young mother and star of her own reality show, Kendra, reveals her previous struggles with self-cutting, saying at one point she was "suicidal," during an emotional E! True Hollywood Story, that airs Wednesday.

"I had so much pain that I just wanted to die," Wilkinson, 24, says. "It wasn't that I was trying to die [from cutting myself], it was that the pain took away from my pain inside."

The episode also shows footage from Wilkinson's family members, including her mother and grandmother.

"I did get a call from school one day that Kendra had admitted to taking a half-dozen or so medications, and they said, 'You need to get her to a hospital immediately,'" her mother Patti says. "I was scared to death."

Wilkinson says she was aware of the pain she caused her family during what she calls her "devil years" – which by age 15 also included abusing drugs – but admitted she was "very selfish." "I was doing it for attention, I needed that attention," she says.

Repairing the damaged relationships with her family wasn't easy, though. "My mom did not take me back with open arms," Wilkinson says. "I basically had to get on my knees and beg. I looked in her eyes [and said] 'I swear on my life, I am done.'"

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