Picks and Pans Review

updated 08/23/2010 AT 01:00 AM EDT

originally published 08/23/2010 AT 01:00 AM EDT

WHAT WENT WRONG

THE EXPENDABLES

Sylvester Stallone and a pack of aging action stars rely on nostalgia to propel a creaky bore.

1 IT DEFIES LOGIC

Stallone heads a cadre of elite mercenaries (Jet Li, Jason Statham, Terry Crews), but so badly flubs a gig to help an island led by a corrupt dictator, he actually leaves the place worse off.

2 IT'S AN EGO TRIP

Packing in celebs doesn't help (I'm eyeballing you, Bruce Willis and Governor Schwarzenegger), especially when they preen like they're special guest stars on Hee Haw.

3 IT'S NO FUN

Stallone broods, his soldiers for hire whine-even tough-guy tattoo artist Mickey Rourke gets misty. Maybe they knew how bad the script was long before we did.

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