07/21/2009 at 12:00 AM EDT
Whoa -- what a change of mood on here this week! Lots of good comments (thank you!) but so many negative ones again! Since this is the only place I can defend myself, I am going to take that opportunity now and hopefully connect with a few of you.
There are many other places on the Internet to call me an idiot and call down my decisions. For those who are supporting my journey, thank you so much! I love you all and can't wait for you to see the outcome! For those of you who continue to say hurtful things here, please understand that I am a human just like you with a heart and feelings. Yes, I struggled with a lot of decisions this season. Again, I admit that I'm human. But I still stand by my statement that I am VERY HAPPY. I have had two months living with ALL my decisions and am STILL VERY HAPPY with ALL of them. That is what matters right? I feel that everyone is entitled to their opinions, but I do wish some would be a little easy on the words. :(
If I have eliminated someone who you loved, I am sorry ... I wish I could have kept every wonderful guy from the show but I am only looking for ONE man to make ME happy. I DO have an excellent judge of character and I do know what I am looking for in a unique individual to go through life with me.
Also, I want to clear up a little confusion about the perception of my "engagement standards" coming into this journey. I was not desperate for an engagement. I actually was very nervous about it and would be happy with no engagement if that were the right choice. All I wanted and would have been happy with was someone to love who loved me back. Someone who had some sort of conviction of how they felt, or was willing to make a sacrifice of any kind, as I had stated several times that I was eager to do the same. Not only is this conviction from the guy an indication for me to move forward with the relationship, but it is also an indication of what our life would be like post-show.
Sigh ... ANYWAY, I guess one must develop a thick skin to endure this sort of venture, so I will put that to rest and talk about some fun stuff from the MEN TELL ALL!
The Men Tell All was actually a blast! Well ... it didn't start out so fun ... I got to the set and was waiting and waiting and waiting to come out onstage. Now that I've seen the show I understand why! The guys clearly had a lot to get off their chests.
Once I got onstage, I was really relieved to see everyone's faces. At first it was like seeing a room full of ex-boyfriends, but after a few minutes I realized I needed the closure with them, hopefully to start some friendships down the road. It felt great to come clean with David (and in hindsight, I wish I would have given him an even harder time about his language and behavior) but it was good to confront him nonetheless. I was most excited to see Michael -- he is just such a funny, quirky, honest, loving individual. I do feel so blessed to have met him. My favorite part of the whole evening was the bloopers. I laughed so hard and it definitely made me realize there were SO many good laughs throughout this journey. My favorite one of all time was Michael farting. OH MY GOSH was that funny! I swear that guy could be the next Jim Carrey.
One thing I wish we got on camera (that I forgot to tell you way back when) was when my ROOM ACTUALLY CAUGHT ON FIRE in Whistler. It was the night that Ed left, and I was awake till about 5am. I finally passed out (in my dress) on top of the sheets and I guess some candles were left on (from the interviews I was doing earlier). Well ... one of the candles caught the daffodils on fire and they went up in flames! I woke up to mad panic and couldn't find anything to put out the flaming inferno but a pot of coffee. When the fire was out, I was left with burnt sheets and a bed, sopping wet with coffee. I sat on the edge of my bed and laughed and then cried! In hindsight it's kind of funny ... but at the time I was a mess! I'll have to say, that would have been the biggest blooper of the season.
I was really expecting to chat with the guys more and wished I could have spent some more time visiting, but it was kept short and sweet -- well, until Brian Duke decided to strip again!!! I know they didn't show that but I have to tell you all about it!!! So right at the very end, I decided to tell Brian Duke that I actually thought his nickname for me, "Hot tub Harris," was sort of funny (even though inappropriate).
Well before I could finish my sentence, he started slowly standing up and slowly taking off his clothes!!! I was like "Brian, no!!! Don't do it!" But he continued to do it. This time I didn't even look his way. I just stared at Chris Harrison thinking "Really? Is he REALLY doing this?" He did, right down to his thong Canadian-inspired skivvies. UGGHHHH!!!! Will the drama ever end?!
Anyhoo, that's how the evening ended -- with the eternal image of Brian Duke's privates all wrapped up in my Canadian Flag!! Bahhh!!!
Well, next week is the finale. Like I said, the drama continues next week and I believe this will be another controversial episode. All I can say is that after all the drama is over, and I make that ONE LAST FINAL decision, I hope you all are as thrilled with the outcome as I am. You have no idea how excited I am to let this secret out!!!
Thank you again for reading,
JillyRead more of what you didn't see from the 'Men Tell All' special!