Bachelorette‘s Blog: I Kept Wes ‘Way Too Long’
07/07/2009 AT 12:00 AM EDT
But first, you guys, I need to tell you that I DID read all 364 comments (and counting!) that were left after my blog. I do read them all every time. I try my best not to read all the other stuff on the other websites (there is some nasty stuff out there!), but this one is my baby. For some reason, last week, you all wrote the sweetest most sincere messages. I truly sat on my couch with a little tear in my eye, holding my hand over my heart -- I felt like each note was a reach out from a best friend. Thank you all for caring for me so much, making me laugh and wanting me to be happy.
The funniest entry I read was from Karen:
Dear Jillian, If you have rejected Ed, I think I might leave my husband and two children and wander around Chicago with a bullhorn looking for him and his adorable sweater.
Girl, I sure hope it works out for you!
Other than the Wes scenario (which I will dive into soon), I'm not sure I have much juicy gossip about the Spain episode. Kiptyn crashed that scooter about 6 times that night, and although he was mortified, it made me like him even more ... I laughed for days about that. I could just see us traveling through Europe doing the same thing and having a blast! Reid and I were starving by the time we went to dinner that night because our attempt at purchasing a romantic little picnic was a complete FLOP and our lunch was dry, tasteless and rubbery -- again, another clue as to how much fun we would have traveling together. I did realize in Spain that I'm not as much of a foodie as I thought; I practically starved to death there! I swear I couldn't find anything to eat but white bread, cured ham and escargot!
I DEFINITELY knew I was NOT ready for overnight dates in Spain. I knew they were an integral part of finding your lifelong partner, but I just wasn't ready! I was nervous to accept the overnight date with Ed because of the "insinuations" that go with that, but I feared that we didn't have enough time to catch up during the day. I knew that if Ed were to have a shot at this, he needed A LOT of time to get caught up with the others. I'm not sure if this is appropriate to say or not ... but I have to tell you ... We really did stay up ALL night till 7 a.m. talking about everything under the sun -- every guy's dream of the "fantasy date" ... not. But it did make me realize how serious he was about coming back showing me he cared.
So ... Wes! I know I kept him for WAY too long. I FULLY admit this. Someone on here wrote the truest way to explain it -- it's like you're watching a horror movie that you starred in ... And all your friends are yelling at you, "He's behind you! He's behind you!" Ha. There are so many ways to explain my connection with Wes. I cringe to admit this, but I truly was blinded by many of Wes's "good qualities" for the better half of his stay that I refused to see all the red flags (and there were a lot of them!).
The thing is, for the last 10 years of my life, I have been surrounded with everything "urban," my adult life has been all about my work and being in the city and I had this fantasy of being with someone that reminds me of where I came from, you know, camping, driving down the old dirt road, my guy working on the truck out in the driveway, listening to country music, cracking a beer on a Sunday evening on the old front porch ... Scrreeeechhhh! What? Jilly! You have been listening to too many honky-tonk songs! Ha! Wes defined that fantasy to a tee, though. And the others were such city boys, I had such a hard time letting that long-time fantasy go.
I still don't know if Wes had a girlfriend, but I do think Wes was there for his career. Along the way, we did build a friendship but his presence on the show was a disservice to both of us. It made me look like a fool and like I had bad judge of character, and it made him look like someone he is not. I guess this is what you lay out on the line when you sign up for something like this, right? Ultimately, you are all still entitled to your opinion, but I am a huge supporter of forgiveness and I hope you can give Wes a break and lay this one to rest.
Overall, I would say this was one of my favorite episodes so far. It showed my serious side, my funny side, my smart side and my soft side. I have to say, I am my own worst critic throughout all of this, but it is a reminder that I am not a perfect little princess ... that I am a brunette and sometimes act like a blonde, that I have a brain, but sometimes choose not to use it, that I am okay with laughing, and later okay with shedding a little tear. This is what makes life so fun and interesting -- and I have to admit, I love reliving this experience more and more every day.
Thank you all for reading again. I hope this one didn't bore you!
Much Love, Jilly XOXO Craig Sjodin/ABC