Bachelorette Blog: Jillian On Wes, Jake and Her Wardrobe

06/23/2009 at 12:00 AM EDT

Bachelorette Blog: Jillian On Wes, Jake and Her Wardrobe
Kevin Foley/ABC
This blog is starting to feel more like a confessional as the weeks go on!

I do look forward to writing it though, since it really gives me a chance to connect with all of you. I do care what you think and love having the opportunity to share what I was feeling at the time and how I'm feeling now.

Okay let's talk about what all of you are thinking right now. Me keeping Wes and letting Jake go. Sigh. Please understand, that I DO NOT see a lot of the behavior that goes on when I'm not there. All of the interactions and conversations that I had with him were indicative of a good relationship. I am so confused by the Wes we all are seeing now, and by what the other guys were saying about him. People will say that I was attracted to his bad boy persona, but believe it or not it was the opposite. Around me, Wes was vulnerable, sweet, sincere and caring -- and that is definitely not the Wes that I am seeing now.





Now about Jake: As much as I agree with you all that Jake is hot, nice, into me, and is perfect, our time together was just too intense. I know that the woman who ends up with Jake will be taken care of and cherished. But I am looking for someone with whom I have a more natural connection and who is my best friend. I am looking for a sense of "ease" in the relationship. And with Jake -- well, it always felt like a sales pitch. Our conversations were always so intense and structured that I didn't think it was fair to continue if I knew ultimately it wasn't going to be him standing by my side in the end.

Again, this is where I go back to reminding myself that this is NOT a competition. Just because Jake is an impressive man for a lot of doesn't mean he had to be in MY top three. I truly believe that if there is no connection, let them go early so they can find their own Mrs. Invisible. I just didn't want to waste any more of Jake's time.

My date at Emerald Lake lodge was breathtaking. I'm telling you all -- you HAVE to get up here and check out the beauty this country has to offer. I'll make a great host I promise! I know you all think I was probably crazy to let Tanner rub my feet that night, but by this point I had so many long nights in heels, I couldn't pass up a foot rub! Tanner was (and still is) such a sweetheart. It was hard for me to hear him wonder why I let him go. It definitely wasn't the foot fetish. I think during our conversation that night, I realized we hadn't kissed and I had to ask myself if this was ever going to happen. The answer to my own question was indication of what I needed to do.

A few funny little facts -- I'm not sure if anyone noticed, but I wore a lot of plaid shirts, hoodies and leggings the last few episodes. Here's why: we didn't exactly plan for the cold Canadian weather, as we should have. I only brought ONE teeny little bag for that entire episode, and it ended up not being near enough clothes for the trip. I had to get really creative with rotating items to try to make it look like several different outfits. I know a few have commented on me wearing leggings last episode instead of snow pants and this episode I barely wore gloves. Luckily, I really am like a little Eskimo, so I barely got cold. Another funny thing was that by the time we got to the Rocky Mountaineer I was EXHAUSTED. I was getting very little sleep (maybe 3-5 hours a night). I was so self conscious that I looked awful, but I actually think I looked somewhat refreshed this episode. Hmmm, maybe I'm on to something! Ha!

I hope you all are enjoying this season. I know there have been a lot of ups and downs and I have to admit there are a few more to come. Next week's episode is sweet and a little sour. Hang in there and trust me -- the final result of this entire roller-coaster makes it all worth it!

Peace & Love,

Jilly

(P.S. Did you recycle this week?) Kevin Foley/ABC

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