"I sound like Demi Moore in her 80s," Sheen, 45, joked with the radio host. "What's up with that?"
The actor, who began treatment last month after reported partying and a trip to the hospital for abdominal pain, stars in the popular CBS sitcom, Two and a Half Men, which has gone on hiatus while he recovers. But the actor claims he's ready to return to work – though it seems his colleagues may not agree.
"I just figured I was supposed to go back to work because I'm ready," he said. "They said, 'You get ready [and] we'll get ready.' And I got ready."
Sheen also scoffed at a morals clause in his contract, which may prohibit bad off-screen behavior.
"Yeah, blah blah, nit pick, nit pick, but I don't think it covers, 'Let us totally dominate and interfere with your personal life,' " he told Patrick. "I am a man of my word. I have a contract. They said, 'Get your act together,' and I did."
Healing and Unraveling"[But] they didn't think it was going to happen this fast," Sheen continued. "I heal really quickly, but I also unravel pretty quickly, so get me right now, guys. Get me right now!"
In fact, Sheen said that he's "100 percent ... peeing clean." He's not comfortable using the word "sober" to describe himself as he associates the word with Alcoholics Anonymous, a philosophy he doesn't support.
"I was sober for five years a long time ago and was just bored out of my tree," he said. "It's inauthentic; it's not who I am."
"I didn't drink for 12 years and, man, that first one, Dan, wow," he continued."
Partying out of BoredomWhat made him start drinking again?
"It tends to do with boredom," he said, adding that he's never been one to cave to peer pressure. "It's about wanting to make things better – whether it's real or imagined."
Still, things are going well for the actor, he insisted, adding that he plans to spend Valentine's Day with a new, unnamed girlfriend.
And while he joked that he'll probably return to work in "August of 2014 at this pace," Sheen said he's enjoying his life these days.
"Most of [the advice I get] is really lame," he said, adding that most people tell him, 'Stay like this.' "
"Today, I'll stay like this," he said. "I'm having a ball. I am enjoying every moment."