Charlie Sheen Gets Cooking in Funny New Video

03/10/2011 AT 12:10 PM EST

Is he in on the joke?

Charlie Sheen has been firing off zingers in countless interviews, and now the beleaguered star has added some winning lines to his much-quoted repertoire in a funny new video for

In it, Sheen sports a tiger-striped chef's hat (tiger blood reference, anyone?) and a lit cigarette, and shares what he calls his "winning recipes."

"Face it, I am living the life of a rock star Vatican assassin," he says. "And if you eat like me, you can be like me. If you aren't thinking about what you're putting in your body, plan better."

Does Sheen have facility in the kitchen? Who cares! As he says, "My hands are rated by Zagat's."

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