03/10/2011 AT 12:10 PM EST
Is he in on the joke?
has been firing off zingers in countless interviews, and now the beleaguered star
has added some winning lines to his much-quoted repertoire
in a funny new video for FunnyorDie.com.
In it, Sheen sports a tiger-striped chef's hat (tiger blood
reference, anyone?) and a lit cigarette, and shares what he calls his "winning recipes."
"Face it, I am living the life of a rock star Vatican assassin," he says. "And if you eat like me, you can be like me. If you aren't thinking about what you're putting in your body, plan better."
Does Sheen have facility in the kitchen? Who cares! As he says, "My hands are rated by Zagat's." Please note: Comments have been suspended temporarily as we explore better ways to serve you. Your opinion is important to us; you can find current discussions at facebook.com/peoplemag.