03/11/2011 at 07:10 AM EST
The other "man" has been heard from.
Jon Cryer, labeled "a troll"
by his former Two and a Half Men
costar Charlie Sheen – who later half-apologized
– all because Cryer didn't rush to Sheen's defense in the latter's war against their producers
, is silent no more. Nor has he lost his sense of humor.
"This is very painful for me, not the least of which … I'm sorry, I can't believe I'm saying this … The fact is, I am a troll," Cryer, 45, announced on TBS's Conan
on Thursday. (After host Conan O'Brien introduced Cryer, and the curtains parted and he walked out, the audience didn't seem to believe he was there.)
"It's not something I like to talk about. My parents don't even know I'm a troll," said Cryer. "Of course, I guess they do now."
As syrupy music played in the background, Cryer continued, "The truth is, there's not a lot of tolerance for people like me, especially in Hollywood. To avoid ignorance and bullying, I've had to hide the fact that I'm a troll. … You have no idea how much time and money I've spent on electrolysis and hair dye and reconstructive surgery."
He shot down the misconception that trolls drink the morning dew from buttercups and bake cookies in trees. "That's elves, okay? Let's get this straight, people," he declared. "For the last time, we're the little guys who dangle from little girls' backpacks and sit on the ends of pencils, dammit."
Cryer went on to out other trolls in Hollywood (depicted in Photoshopped photos in their full, Troll-doll glory): Paul Giamatti, Helen Mirren and O'Brien sidekick Andy Richter.
Now happy "to be free" and no longer "living under the bridge," Cryer assured younger tolls, "It gets better. Not gay better, but sorta better."
Additional reporting by CHARLOTTE TRIGGS