Picks and Pans Review: Dear Hollywood,

updated 03/28/2011 AT 01:00 AM EDT

originally published 03/28/2011 AT 01:00 AM EDT

You gave me Cinderella and The Princess Bride, which basically makes you my fairy godparents. So you know I was psyched that you're redoing Snow White (and maybe Sleeping Beauty). Then I saw Beastly and Red Riding Hood. Now, I'm doubting you. Beastly, a high school Beauty and the Beast, is achingly clunky, while Red plays like Twilight: The Dark Ages. The clear link here is teens. You were so itchy to grab those short attention spans, you whiffed on telling great stories. So please stop straining to make fairy tales cool. They've been around for hundreds of years-they went from cool to classic ages ago.

With love, Alynda

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