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Picks and Pans Review: Bon Mots from Bossypants

updated 04/25/2011 AT 01:00 AM EDT

originally published 04/25/2011 AT 01:00 AM EDT

ON HER WALLFLOWER YEARS

What 19-year-old ... boy doesn't want a wide-hipped, sarcastic Greek girl with short hair that's permed on top? What's that you say? None of them want that? You are correct.

ON A HIGH SCHOOL HOOKUP

He was the Cream of Wheat of making out. I would try it every now and then, thinking maybe I'd like it, but every time: no.

ON FANCY PHOTO SHOOTS

With the wind blowing on your long extensions, you feel like Beyonce. The moment the wind machine stops, you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and wonder, "Why is the mother from Coal Miner's Daughter here?"

ON WORKING-WOMAN ETIQUETTE

No pigtails, no tube tops. Cry sparingly ... [but] if you're so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.

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