07/12/2011 at 10:00 AM EDT
I have been looking forward to this week
because it really does mark the end of a chapter that seemed to be consuming everyone's emotions
… including mine!
This was also a week where I decided to start a journal, a place for me to keep track of my honest feelings and inner thoughts. I knew that after everything that happened, if I were to leave with someone in the end, they would have a lot of questions. This would hopefully provide explanations and consolation if it were to be needed.
My relationship with Constantine up until now had been very slow moving. At times I wondered if this was the right environment for him to meet someone special. I believe him to be a very kind-hearted individual, but I realized that he was either holding back, or maybe didn't feel a love connection with me.
Up until this point, we hadn't even kissed yet! I had a lot of questions for him on this date regarding these concerns. He answered them in a way that validated the reason he is still here.
Constantine was honest and sincere and most importantly he questioned things. I knew that whatever would come out of his mouth was real, and I could believe it. Dating in this environment can be tricky because you don’t know who has real feelings and who has a false sense of feeling, and, finally, we had our first kiss!
Once I heard that my date with Ben was an "overnight" date, I knew this would immediately cause drama. I spent part of the date worrying about how this may affect the other guys, but ultimately I was just excited to have Ben all to myself.
My dates with Ben are always great. He is an incredibly easy-going person and is very fun to be around. What I really love about him is that he's the kind of boyfriend you could take anywhere – and he'd be comfortable and engaging. Ben was great in this environment, whether it was me almost killing him on a scooter in Taroko National Park, or getting dressed up and having a fancy dinner. The romance heats up every time we're together and this date was no different. Oh, and just to clarify, this "overnight" date was spent apart!
I had a great time on this group date. After watching it, I had no idea
how high emotions were running at that point! A part of me feels awful that this week was not enjoyable for some of the guys, but it also makes me feel good knowing that they had genuine feelings and were not afraid to express frustrations.
There's something about people showing their emotions that viewers tend to frown upon. They are said to be weak or an emotional mess. To me, showing emotion is a sign of sincerity and strength.
Finally, I am out with Ryan on our first one-on-one date.
Ryan is a guy that I never had any questions about. What I knew of him was sincere, honest and genuine. He was always a guy that I knew I would go on a hometown date with. Sometimes I think maybe it was my fault for not taking him on a date sooner, but in the middle of our date I realized something: my feelings for the other guys had so far surpassed where I was with Ryan that I couldn't possibly keep him around.
In a way, I felt like I was being dishonest if I did.
Knowing that he had a successful business back home, and such a desire to find someone, I couldn't possibly keep him away from that. As soon as I realized this, the rest of the date was really hard to get through. My goodbye to Ryan was quite possibly the hardest one all season. Watching Ryan's last few words from his departure was heartbreaking, and I was fighting back the tears just watching.
In the end, this week brought me the clarity that I needed.
Saying goodbye to Lucas and all others from this point on was incredibly difficult because real emotions were involved. During my conversation with Lucas on the group date, I realized that we had some very differing ideas about family and relationships. I began to see just how different we were and how there was very little room for change.
Next week is the week I have been looking forward to most! At this point, I was ready to get back to the United States, meet the families and see baby pictures.