Bachelorette Blog: Ashley's Moment of Clarity
07/26/2011 AT 09:40 AM EDT
Going into this week, my feelings for both Ben and J.P. were so strong and I was excited to see what this trip would bring. My relationship with Constantine hit a high at the hometown dates, but I still had so many questions.
I have to say that Ryan's return was a huge surprise, but I certainly understood why he felt the need to come back. When I said goodbye to Ryan, I felt uncertain about my decision and I think he sensed that. I can see how it just didn't make sense because I never really voiced any true concerns with him. So much was going through my mind at this point that I knew I would have to take some time and think about his return. Once I was able to spend time with each of the remaining guys, I knew that I had found what I was looking for within them. So, once again I had to say goodbye to Ryan. Saying goodbye a second time was not much different than the first. It broke my heart.
I had so much fun with Ben on our date. I remember laughing so much. Our sense of humor is so similar and I would say we spent 80 percent of this date cracking jokes and having a great day out in the sun. What you didn't see much of was our boat ride home. It was so romantic and he laid his head on my lap and we looked at the stars. It was a moment of clarity for both of us.
After such a great hometown date, I was excited to see Constantine again. Our relationship moved a lot slower than I wanted, and at this was a critical time for us. We needed to use this date to figure things out. Throughout most of the date, I felt a huge disconnect with him. I quickly realized I was holding out and looking for a romance between us that will never be there. I wanted to use the rest of our date to see if things would be different. Our conversation at dinner quickly touched upon both of our concerns, and though I was willing to use every last minute to see if time was what we needed, Constantine didn't surprise me by saying goodbye.
One might think that because it was so late in the process that I would be devastated, but I wasn't. It only made me fear that if Constantine could be unsure about us this late in the process, could Ben or J.P. feel the same? That is why I wanted to still have a rose ceremony.
My last date was with J.P. and I remember being so excited to see him walk up. I loved J.P.'s kisses and remember not wanting this date to end and being happy knowing that this was an overnight date and it wouldn't have to end so soon! We took a seaplane to our own private beach and, of course, spent most of the day kissing. Beaches seem to be our thing.
Thanks for watching! I can't wait to share next week's finale with everyone!
For more on The Bachelorette, check out Chris Harrison's blog on EW.com