My first date was with Nicki, and I was really happy to see her. I loved getting to know her family, and after leaving Fort Worth, Texas, I had a great feeling about the two of us being together at the end of this. Our date together was hands down one of the best dates I had during this entire journey.
First off, the helicopter ride was insane! Secondly, I couldn't have spent it with a better person! Nicki, "the dark horse," constantly surprised me, and I still can't describe how extremely comfortable I felt around her.
The evening portion of the date went better than expected. Nicki always had a way to make me feel at ease and comfortable in life's serious discussions. When talking about our fathers being very similar, I felt even closer to her than I ever had before. She is a woman who I really feel would have transitioned nicely into my life, and she is strong, supportive, confident, sexy and a blast to be with.
Unfortunately, there are two other women here who I feel the same way about. (And as far as the bubble bath goes, sorry Mom.)
My next date was with Lindzi, and it was another incredible date. I don't know why I always put Lindzi through all of these extreme dates, but she continued to be a good sport no matter what was thrown at her. Maybe I just like seeing her push herself emotionally, and some of these dates allowed her to do that. Either way she is always up for anything, and that is a really attractive quality.
Speaking of attractive, sometimes I'm awestruck when looking at Lindzi. I find her to be so beautiful, even when I put her in a helmet and harness and dangle her from a rope.
Felt In LoveAs far as these kinds of dates being "bonding" dates – not so much. They are just plain scary! I don't know if you remember San Francisco, but I have a fear of heights, so I was definitely afraid to rappel into the gorge. For a moment I was wondering what I had gotten us both into. In the end, I guess doing it with Lindzi is what got me through it.
Later that day, Lindzi really started to open up to me even more. I know it's hard for her and that she likes to go for the joke before the serious moment. Sometimes it's great to be with someone who is so playful and light-hearted, but I also want to be married to someone who I can have serious discussions with and will tell me how she really feels. The last few weeks, Lindzi has been doing that.
For the first time, I truly felt in love with this woman and was really looking forward to dinner to see if she was feeling the same way.
Dinner was amazing! The fact that we got very gentrified in gowns and bowties made it even more fun. Again, Lindzi surprised me with her openness and honesty, and I began to feel more for her in that moment than I ever had before. Our feelings for each other are real and genuine.
After coming off of such an incredible date with Lindzi, I had to switch my focus to Courtney. We had a great time in Scottsdale, Ariz., and Courtney told me she loves me, which felt so good. I love her silliness and quirkiness, but I want to see an emotional side too, and this came just in time. I was excited to see how our relationship developed even more.
I light up every time I am around Courtney, and this day was no different. We had a lot of natural, easy-going fun exploring the town, and I realized how many things we have in common when it comes to things like traveling, food and music. But I still couldn't stop thinking about the other women's warnings and if she even had a bit of remorse for her actions.
Turning a CornerI felt like she deflected any of the blame, and it was starting to really bother me that she didn't see her role in any of the drama amongst the women. I understand why she wanted to wait until later to discuss it so we could enjoy the beautiful countryside of Wengen, Switzerland, during the day, but I was eager to talk this out. Even with the small amount of heavy talk, we managed to enjoy ourselves during the day.
The dinner conversation we had was exactly what I needed to hear. I was really relieved to hear Courtney admit that she could have tried harder to get along with the women. I know they were sometimes mean to her, too, but I needed to hear her say that she could have done things much differently and may have gotten much better results. I have tried this entire journey to be patient and more forgiving. Courtney was worth the patience and I was happy to feel like she turned a big corner.
Kacie ReturnsWHOA! What I wasn't prepared for was Kacie's return. I've said it before: I'm not good at breaking up with people and giving them closure. I don't have a lot of experience doing it – well, I didn't before becoming the Bachelor. Because of that, I can see why Kacie went home confused.
Honestly, all of the women [eliminated] should feel that way because I wasn't necessarily at the end of the road in those relationships. I have incredibly strong feelings for all of them and would have dated them longer if the situation had been different. But each week I could only try to continue the relationships that felt the strongest, and that's what I did.
Seeing Kacie again brought up so many feelings, and then hearing her warn me about Courtney's insincerity again brought everything to a head. I had just laid most of my concerns with Courtney to rest, and then it was like everything we had worked toward was swept away again. I went into the rose ceremony incredibly confused about the big picture and had to just follow my heart when I handed out the roses. Again, another difficult goodbye with a woman I was falling in love with.
I couldn't verbalize my feelings the way I wanted to when Nicki left. I wanted to tell her all of the wonderful things I loved about her, but I was afraid it would hurt her even more. I hope Nicki knows how much I care for her and how I feel like the luckiest guy to have had the relationship we had together.
I am incredibly excited to see my mom and sister in Switzerland soon. I need their support and guidance. In the meantime, I'm nervous to see all of the women I've said goodbye to so far on the "Women Tell All" episode. Thanks for going on this journey with me.
Can't get enough of The Bachelor? Check out Chris Harrison's blog on EW.com