Although she's often secretive about her personal life, Beyoncé
is opening up about her journey to motherhood
The Grammy winner reveals she suffered a miscarriage – and slams rumors she used a gestational surrogate – in her upcoming HBO documentary, Life Is But a Dream
– slated to air Feb. 16.
While her husband Jay-Z referenced the miscarriage in "Glory," a track released shortly after the couple's first child, Blue Ivy,
was born last January, this is the first time the singer, 31, has publicly addressed it.
"About two years ago, I was pregnant for the first time. And I hear the heartbeat, which was the most beautiful music I ever heard in my life," she says.
During the pregnancy, Beyoncé says she "envisioned what my child would look like" and was feeling "very maternal."
She also says that, "being pregnant was very much like falling in love. You are so open. You are so overjoyed. There's no words that can express having a baby growing inside of you, so of course you want to scream it out and tell everyone."
But there were complications in the early stages of the singer's pregnancy. "I flew back to New York to get my check up – and no heartbeat. Literally the week before I went to the doctor, everything was fine, but there was no heartbeat," she says.
Turning to music, Beyoncé says she "went into the studio and wrote the saddest song I've ever written in my life."
"And it was actually the first song I wrote for my album. And it was the best form of therapy for me, because it was the saddest thing I've ever been through," she says.
In the documentary, the Super Bowl halftime show
performer's excitement over her pregnancy with Blue Ivy is made clear. In one scene, she confides, in bed at night, "I felt the baby kick for the first time. Kicked five times."
After going public with her pregnancy at the MTV Video Music Awards
, she soon faces rumors that she had used a gestational surrogate
"A stupid rumor, the most ridiculous rumor I've ever had about me," she says. "To think that I would be that vain ..."
She continues, saying that giving birth is "the most powerful thing you can ever do in your life."
But while she was "scared to death" of delivery, Beyoncé says it was "the most beautiful experience of my life ... It was amazing ... I felt like God was giving me a chance to assist in a miracle ... You're playing a part in a much bigger show."