09/12/2013 AT 01:35 PM EDT
After successfully battling ovarian cancer for the second time and sharing her journey on PEOPLE.com, Diem Brown is back to blogging. This time around, she will not only share updates on her own life, but also about competing on her new show, MTV's The Challenge: Rivals II
Getting hurt after you reluctantly open up to someone isn't pretty. This week's episode of Rivals 2
was really hard for me to watch. I've known that I'm horrible with dealing with confrontation and being hurt emotionally, but watching it unfold on TV was particularly difficult to stomach.
It's never fun to have to choose between your friends while competing on these shows, but it's a challenge and it always happens when the numbers dwindle down. I have known Anessa, Johnny, Wes, CT and Paula since 2006; we have all grown up together, both on these shows and personally in life away from MTV.
I have considered Wes and Johnny to be like brothers. Johnny was even my pseudo on-call doctor while going through my last bout with ovarian cancer. He would come over and help me with the injections that I had a hard time giving to myself. Sure, we're a dysfunctional family of sorts but after knowing these people for over seven years, there is a bond there and you want to see and do the best for them.
I have a problem with over thinking situations sometimes. After Aneesa and I lost in challenge, CT asked "You want key lime right?" He was referring to Jemmye and Camila's team colors. Johnny asked the same. I was so flustered about having to choose between friends that I told them both I didn't know yet. CT had said on multiple occasions that for the last girl's jungle, that if I was going in, he would vote in any team I wanted to go against, as payback for gassing out during the final on the Battle of Exes
season, where I first met Emily and Camila.
Emily, Paula and Camila didn't trust CT and Wes at all to start the game, but I assured them that CT and Wes wouldn't screw them over and they didn't. Consequently, Emily, Paula and Camila never voted for CT and Wes so those two teams backed them equally.
Where it got sticky was with Wes. I guess Wes had some issue with Paula that I wasn't unaware of. What wasn't shown on TV was both Wes and CT saying if the shoe was on the other foot, they both would be livid if I didn't give them the option of who they wanted to go against in the final elimination. I wasn't in control so I got so frazzled.
I hated watching myself come undone! There's a girl there who, from day one of this challenge, had a target above my head. She laughed whenever I was upset and celebrated whenever I was in emotional pain. She told people, "It would be fun to mentally break [Diem]." I was shocked as to why someone would get a kick out of something like that. Normally when someone wants to do you harm you can just remove yourself from their presence, but in a game like this it becomes impossible.
This girl saw her opening while I was having a conversation with Camila about why I needed to go against her and Jemmye instead of Paula and Emily. If I didn't care about Camila's feelings I would have not tried to explain my reasoning, but I wanted Camila to know it wasn't personal and I was in a bad position having to choose between my friends.
I am a good girl and I do have a slow boil, but I am no doormat and I have my breaking point. Jemmye jumping in and the girl taking pleasure was it! Everyone seemed to have the opinion of how stupid I looked and I felt completely judged and ganged up on. I have no problem with defending myself, but to see people laughing and enjoying the fact that I was hurt was too much to handle.
I felt so stupid and was so upset at myself for being affected by it. Yes, I was on hormones and steroids, but I think even if I wasn't I would have been just as hurt.
When I care about someone I care with all my heart. I want what's best for them and will defend and support them 100%! I did everything I could throughout the game to protect CT and Wes's team. I wanted to help them get to the finals as I thought they were doing the same for me.
I was hurt that CT and Wes, who I have known since 2006, didn't care about my outcome as much as I cared about theirs. Yes, it's a game and reflecting back I can see the big picture and see I relied too much on the outcome of the game. I wanted to win so badly to prove I was back to my healthy self. For some weird reason I thought if I could win the final then my mind and body would see that I am healthy regardless of my "stable" cancer cell diagnosis.
I also wanted to prove to "that girl that wanted to break me" that she couldn't mentally break me down or beat me. I had such a distaste for her that it overtook me. Sadly in the end she won and she got what she wanted. I broke; I became emotionally unraveled and I felt like an idiot.
I am normally a very positive person, but negativity is like a cancer – it eats at you and makes you weak. It's ugly to watch. I saw my negative feelings for her make me act like someone I am not. I didn't want her to win. I didn't want her to get her way and have Aneesa and myself go in against Paula and Emily. I can see now what an awful way to play a game that is.
Nothing good comes from hate! Now, I know "hate" is a strong word but my distaste for her was stronger than I have ever felt for anyone before because I saw how happy she got whenever I was emotionally upset or down.
I was wrong on so many levels and I wish I could rewind and do that episode all over. I know Camila would have been mad at me regardless of the how I phrased to her that I wanted to go against her, but I should have been more of a woman and talked to her before I talked to CT and Wes.
I'm also disappointed I let CT get the best of me as I got caught up in the game and gave into my insecurities and lost sight of reality.
I have learned so much from watching this episode. I vow to never let negative thoughts about another person overtake my spirit. I vow to be more upfront even when I know that my openness will lead to confrontation.
This blog was a lot about the show ,but I learned so much about how negativity can overtake you if you let it. I will not play in the mud again. If someone doesn't like you, you can't control that. You only have power in your reactions. Nothing good comes from being negative about someone; just wish them well and move on. Look at the positive. Search for the light when you feel the darkness of negativity creeping in.
In the end, the beauty of your spirit is positivity and anything that draws you away from that light isn't worth it!
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