The 5 Best 'Dear Abby' Comebacks

Abigail Van Buren's Best Dear Abby Comebacks
Author and 'Dear Abby' columnist Abigail Van Buren, at her desk, circa 1958
Hulton Archive/Getty

02/24/2014 AT 11:00 AM EST

Dear Abby's Jeanne Phillips made news this week with her frank response to a Tampa Bay, Fla., couple who complained about a gay couple in their neighborhood. But it was her mom, Pauline Phillips – also known as Abigail Van Buren – who pioneered the homespun zingers that the 58-year-old column is known for.

Here's a look back at five of Dear Abby's best (and most blunt) responses.

1. Dear Abby:
My wife sleeps in the raw. Then she showers, brushes her teeth and fixes our breakfast still in the buff. We are newlyweds and there are just the two of us. So I suppose there's nothing really wrong with it. What do you think?
Ed

Dear Ed:
It's okay with me but tell her to put on an apron when she's frying bacon.



2. Dear Abby:
What's the difference between a wife and mistress?
Bess

Dear Bess:
Night and Day.

3. Dear Abby:
About four months ago, the house across the street was sold to a "father and son" or so we thought. We later learned it was an older man about 50 and a young fellow about 24. This was a respectable neighborhood before the "odd couple" moved in. They have all sorts of strange looking company. Men who look like women, women who look like men, black, whites, Indians. Yesterday, I even saw two nuns go in there! Abby, these weirdos are wrecking our property values! How can we improve the quality of this once respectable neighborhood?
Up in Arms

Dear Up:
You could move.

4. Dear Abby:
I have always wanted to have my family history traced. But I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
M.J.B.

Dear M.J.B.:
Yes, run for public office.

5. Dear Abby:
Our son married a girl when he was in the service. They were married in February and she had an 8 1/2 pound baby girl in August. She said the baby was premature. Can an 8 1/2 pound baby be this premature?
Wanting to Know

Dear Wanting:
The baby was on time. The wedding was late. Forget it.

RELATED: Read Dear Abby's blunt response to a couple unhappy about their neighbors.

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