Thursday February 14, 2013 05:00 PM EST
Diem Brown Blogs: Will You Be My Valentine?
by Diem BrownIn her PEOPLE.com blog, Diem Brown, the Real World/Road Rules Challenge contestant recently diagnosed with ovarian cancer for the second time, opens up about her desire for a child and the ups and downs of cancer and fertility procedures.
I honestly cannot begin to express the emotions I felt last week. I have never felt so loved and cared for in my life. I actually started feeling guilty because I didn't know how to express my thanks to everyone who has read this blog, commented on here or on Facebook, Tweeted me, etc.
I felt an army of support that was with me through this whole "cancer" time. When you're in the midst of dark, stress-filled moments, it's hard to comprehend how many people out there are either going through the same/similar thing or want to help support you while you are in your fight.
Once last week's blog went up, my heart was overfilled with love and gratitude for y'all. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart, thank you so very much for your sweet congratulations and encouraging words. I don't know how to repay you, but will try to brainstorm and find brilliant ways to do so.
This may seem weird, but I feel a connection with so many people who have left comments or Tweeted me about their own struggles and shared their stories. I feel we have this cool community of people that support one another and it lifts my heart.
Given that it's Valentine's Day, I wish I could drop those cool lil' Valentine's Day cards, the ones that have the lollipop attached, into your tin foiled decorated V-Day shoe boxes ... you remember like the ones we used to make in kindergarten.
So ... Will you be my Valentine?
I feel on Cloud Nine right now! I know I won't get that 100% cancer-free card, but I know I am not going anywhere! The remaining tests/chemo treatments, etc. are just precaution. It feels unreal to have this "Go live your life" card, and I want to live it up to the very fullest!
One of my closest girlfriends, Alicia Quarles, happens to be the New York correspondent for E! News, and we started laughing about how we react so differently with good and bad news.
When I was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer in June, I was very stoic during my interview with Alicia. I didn't want to "break" in fear that I couldn't put myself together again. Alicia, on the other hand, whom I have known since college, couldn't help but tear up as she said, "It's just not fair" while she asked questions about my second battle with ovarian cancer.
Cut to last week and Alicia interviewed me this time about my cancer remission news. As soon as I started talking, my voice cracked and all of the emotions I held back in the first interview came out and tears trailed down my face. It was that moment I realized "I am alive and am not going anywhere!"
Matt Sayles / Invision
I never understood the "happy tears" thing until that moment. I laughed as I begun to dry my wet cheeks saying, "Yeah they are! Now, how do you make these suckers stop flowing?"
I hope everyone experiences a "happy tears" moment, as it's the oddest but most wonderful feeling in the world!
So on this beautiful Valentine's Day I also want you to know that you have an army of people who love you. You might not be able to see it, but you affect more people than you will ever realize. Trust me, put yourself and your heart out there for friends, family, and even for support groups online. Some of the people who can build you up the most could be people online whom you will never meet.
I know this was a cheesy "love blog," but I feel so alive and I feel this overwhelming gratitude and love for y'all! Thank you, thank you, thank you – and Happy Valentine's Day!