8 Alleged, Mostly Absurd Hangover Cures to Consider on January 1

Hangover Cures for After New Years Eve
We dare you (not)
Julie Toy/Getty

12/31/2015 AT 08:30 PM EST

Jan. 1 is a day for new beginnings. With the changing of the year, you can put into action the goals and resolutions you'd set

It is also a day for extreme, crushing, hating-yourself-and-your-life hangovers.

We're here to help … sort of. We've researched some of the wackiest, nuttiest "proven" hangover cures from around the world for you to peruse on Friday morning when you've lost the will to live, and even the idea of retrieving Advil from your dresser seems impossible.

1. Rubbing lemons under your armpits.
Country of origin: Puerto Rico
If you're reading this, it's too late. You actually have to rub lemon (or lime) under the armpit of the arm you'll be drinking from before you start drinking. Allegedly, the lemon stops you from sweating and prevents dehydration. (Is there a word for more alleged than allegedly?)

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2. Dried bull penis.
Country of origin: Sicily/Italy
What better way to restore your virility than by munching on a chewy knob of cured bull penis?

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3. Poutine.
Country of origin: Canada
We have always believed that French fries, smothered in gravy and cheese curds or simply plain, have restorative, rejuvenating properties. Canadians eat their glorious national dish after long nights of drinking.

4. Exercise.
Country of origin: Science?
If you can stomach the idea of jogging, or even walking, maybe you should – exercise stimulates the release of endorphins, which will help counteract some of the depressant effects of alcohol.

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5. Raw Eggs (pictured above).
Country of origin: U.S.A.! U.S.A!
The Prairie Oyster, a monstrous hangover remedy popularized in the West, typically includes Worcestershire sauce, hot sauce, ketchup, salt, pepper and a raw egg. We suppose that's more appetizing than owl eggs and sheep lungs, an Ancient Greek remedy.

6. Wet river sand.
Country of origin: Ireland
Bury yourself up to your neck in cold sand from a wet riverbed. Irish legend = as good as science.

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7. Pedialyte.
Country of origin: America the Beautiful
Consumption of the children's rehydration product has increased 57 percent over the past three years, according to data from Nielsen, and that's not because kids have gotten more thirsty – it's because the product has gained a reputation as a miracle hangover cure, thanks to salts and sugars in the beverage that help absorb water more effectively. 8. Fish scrapes.
Country of origin: Peru
"Fish scrape," a Peruvian concoction made of lime juice, lemon juice, garlic, ginger and fish stock and scrapes, supposedly helps metabolize alcohol faster, due to its fructose and citric acid content.

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If none of these remedies work – and yes, you should try them all – we suggest the following treatment plan: Chug yellow Gatorade. Take Tylenol. Go back to sleep. Chug another yellow Gatorade. Take some more Tylenol. Order a giant breakfast platter on Seamless. Go back to sleep. Wake up when breakfast arrives, then watch a whole season of a British murder-mystery. Happy New Year!
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