Prince Harry (left) on a visit to South Africa in 2013
05/27/2014 AT 10:30 AM EDT
The reviews are in: FOX's I Wanna Marry 'Harry'
, a dating show in which 12 out-of-the-loop American women compete for the affections of a stranger they've been told is Prince Harry
, is a stupefying mess. As PEOPLE's Tom Gliatto explains
, "What should be jolly good stupidity is just stupid."
Which is a shame because, as our real-life experience has taught us, there are thousands (if not millions) of American women out there hoping for a shot at the British prince. Don't their aspirations deserve to be treated with respect?
We think they do, which is why we're stepping in with a comprehensive guide to dating Prince Harry. Follow these rules if you want the best chance of charming the newly single
1. DO: Be a Blonde
Cressida Bonas in 2013
Stephen Lock / i-Images / Polaris
We don't mean to be shallow, but in his decade-plus on the market, Harry has certainly gravitated towards a particular physical type. Most recently, Cressida Bonas
embodied the trend: Harry's girlfriends are usually blonde, tan and in possession of a certain, how you say, Britishness in the facial region.
2. DO: Be Outdoorsy
Chelsea Davy in 2012
Jon Furniss / WireImage
We should specify, however, that "outdoorsy" does not mean quite the same thing to the British upper classes as it does to most Americans. For us, the word implies granola, ropes courses, maybe some tie-dye. For the boarding school set, though, we're talking Barbour jackets, Range Rovers and safaris. Harry's on-again, off-again girlfriend Chelsea Davy
was raised on a game preserve in Zimbabwe and enjoyed holidaying with him in Botswana, which should give you a sense of the scale we're dealing with here.
3. DO: Be Posh
Florence Brudenell-Bruce in 2012
Rupert Hartley / REX USA
The British class system can be a mystifying thing to outsiders – Kate Middleton
, who seems to most Americans like a totally normal person, was reportedly mocked by posh haters for the crime of poor breeding – but even we know that if you want to meet royalty, it helps to travel in the same social circles. Take Florence Brudenell-Bruce
, who dated Harry for a few months back in 2011. Not only does she have the requisite triple-barreled name, she is distantly related to James Brudenell, seventh Earl of Cardigan
, the man who, as all students of history know, inspired the cardigan. If you're from humbler stock, this
can be your very own Henry Higgins.
4. DO: Be Sporty
Natalie Pinkham in 2012
Mark Thompson / Getty
Yes, we are aware that this list is starting to resemble the Spice Girls. But pay that no mind! Prince Harry's love of sport is well-known, and while you don't have to be Usain Bolt
, a healthy love of polo
(or even baseball
) might give the two of you something to bond over, as Harry likely did with sports reporter Natalie Pinkham
, who was linked to the Prince in 2006.
5. DON'T: Blab
Mollie King in 2013
Samir Hussein / WireImage
For obvious reasons, Harry doesn't always have the greatest trust for the news media, so discretion is paramount. You don't have to be a librarian – Harry's girlfriends have generally enjoyed active social lives – but any hint of a leak to the press is enough to get him to run the other way. Look to the example of Saturdays singer Mollie King
, reportedly cast off
for being "too open" about her time spent with the Prince in 2012. Even a damage-control "we're just friends" Tweet wasn't even to save the burgeoning relationship.
Daniel Smith / FOX
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